I’m well aware that CNN is the USA Today of cable news networks (and FOX News is Highlights for Children) but that doesn’t mean I don’t hang on their every word. If CNN won’t scare me about earthquakes, Mexicans, Tea Bagging and West Nile Encephalitis then who will? When homeless people shout about these things I just try to look away and walk faster, but when CNN tweets about a 4.5 magnitude earthquake in the Pacific I run to higher ground in fear of being swept away by a tsunami (even though I live on the east coast and don’t know what a 4.5 magnitude earthquake is.) So naturally, when CNN reports that social media is making us antisocial, I immediately become distressed and get the urge to dial my doctor for Xanax.
It really stresses me out. How will I know if I’m getting antisocial? If I’ve had facebook longer than everyone else does that mean I have a more severe case? Do I really need actual human contact? Why is Anderson Cooper’s T-shirt so tight? Why is Anderson Cooper even wearing a shirt? So many questions (seriously Cooper, at this point you might as well just lose the shirt, it’s win/win) and an uncertain future.
I guess they could always be wrong. Similar outrageous theories have been proposed by the media before. I think back to when the internet started to get really mainstream for Americans (circa 1996-ish?) and remember how we were warned e-mail would drive the U.S. post-office out of business. …Oh. Wait. Nevermind, bad example. How about when they told us that corporations would be able to pinpoint your exact location and market to you exclusively based on your likes and disl- …Oh. That, too? Fuck.
You can’t argue with the fact that social media does make people kinda hateful. You’re drinking Belvedere with Kylie Minogue on a rooftop terrace in Bali? Well guess what: half the people on your facebook are unemployed, underpaid or living in New Jersey. Just because someone hit the “like” button doesn’t mean they aren’t going all Santería on your bougie ass out of spite. Just changed your status to “in a Relationship”? Your single friends (who obv know better) just started a pool to see how long it lasts. Just tweeted about your new Volkswagen? Someone’s going to tell you about how the company is in a tumultuous merger/takeover with Porsche and builds their cars in Mexico so they fall apart after 90 days. …but that one’s true so you should thank them for warning you. You’re welcome.
We may be assholes by nature, but the internet gives us a way to be even bigger assholes without an immediate slap across the face. I thank god every day for Al Gore inventing the internet and Mark Wahlberg inventing facebook.
