| The Declaration of Independents

I had no idea how many gay Republicans I knew until facebook told me so. I think they prefer “log-cabin” but for some reason that sounds dirty to me so I call them Republigays instead because it sounds like some kind of future robot with fancy shoes. There are a good number of them, and they think Michelle Obama is just awful. …Not because of her husband or her political views, but because they think nobody should have that many sleeveless tops. Seriously, girl, the only other place you’ll find that many sleeveless tops is in a gay bar (but not in Miami because everyone is a bottom).

Now for the record, I’m not a Democrat or a Republican, though I am a left-leaning Independent. I think the very existence of political parties is one of the reasons things are so fucked up right now (you’re a “moderate Democrat” but you love guns, hate abortion, and just-for-fun ran over a gay Mexican with your SUV this morning? idk). I used to be a really hardcore liberal (like one time I recycled for a whole week and voted for John Kerry) but then I had a job working in healthcare while I was in college and the exposure to medicaid patients kinda turned me into a super-conservative asshole (I shot Dolphins with a rifle and ripped up old people’s social security checks for a week). Now I fall in line with most of America as a lukewarm, apathetic moderate. Sarah Palin’s antics don’t make me laugh like they used to (isn’t it like shooting wolves from a helicopter at this point?) and I don’t quite understand why Harry Reid is allowed to be in charge of anything. Being an Independent is the best thing that ever happened to me.

But OK, I still just don’t get gay Republicans as a concept. I mean, I get that you don’t identify as a Democrat just because you’re gay. Nobody should. The Democrats do and say a lot of stupid shit. They’re pussies and they give your tax dollars to crack addicts. But identifying as a Republican and being gay is like starting a Jews-for-Hitler group. You’re identifying with a party whose agenda includes restricting your rights to pretty much anything. It isn’t just about gay marriage. The Republican platform promotes the idea that it’s OK to fire someone or exclude them from an organization because they’re gay, among other discriminatory policies that claim “religious discrimination” if you disagree with them. Let’s just agree that the “I care more about my money than my rights” argument doesn’t make you look smart and non-conformist, it makes you look like an asshole.

Gays who are Democrats just because they’re gay aren’t in the clear either. Let’s face it: a lot of gay people are really stupid. They think a bicameral system is part of your car’s engine and didn’t go to college because it cut into their gym/Kardashian time. Still, they’re ready and willing to tell you how much George Bush fucked up their life because he’s “such a douche.” Then they tell you that Clinton was the best president ever because they had so much more money back then and he didn’t start a war. You know what? You had so much more money because you were 12 and didn’t have to pay rent, car payments or cell phone bills. Also, Clinton did have a war. It was in Kosovo. We also bombed an Aspirin factory in 1998 trying to get Bin Laden. He wasn’t there.

Never abandon your own interests for the sake of belonging. If you’re going to be passionate about something, know why you’re passionate about it. You’re not a Republican just because you don’t like taxes (though it’s a good start) and you’re not a Democrat just because you support gay rights. Even though most people lean one way or the other, the majority of Americans are still Independents and need to come out as such. I’m a self-admitted left-leaning Independent. It doesn’t mean I’m any less passionate about my political beliefs, just that they don’t fit into any one ideology. I think we need more taxes, less welfare and that gay marriage will save the economy because they just buy SO much glitter. There’s not a politician in the world that would take that platform, but at least I know where I stand and why. Plus, I can make an argument for my opinions with facts and examples, instead of calling Obama a Muslim or comparing Sarah Palin to Hitler.